HI everyone, I want to welcome everyone into the new year. We have gone through 17 NFL Weeks and in years past this would be the end of the regular season and we would be heading into the postseason… but wait there’s more!!!!!!! So let’s review all of the teams currently, shall we? Smiley faces, lol..
32. Jaguars 2-14 (Drew Rating: -22.10 Projected Record 1-15) LW: 32
Somehow the Jacksonville Jaguars who are already an abysmal football team is getting worse. After their laughable goal line offense to lose to the Jets last week they decided to go up the coast to Foxboro and take a giant crap in the middle of the field right on the eye of the Patriots logo before the game. The Pats ground keepers were considering picking it up but it was just so funny they decided to leave it there and the Pats players decided to rub all 22 Jags starters nose right in their own crap repeatedly throughout the game. Trevor Lawrence has had a rookie year so bad it’s down in the depths of Aikman and Elway (and those guys turned out pretty good so your off base Drew). Well I would be of base but I had to go back 30-40 years to find any great Quarterbacks who lived in a world of suck this bad in their rookie season. A comparable Quarterback to today’s game might be Josh Allen but he even showed some flashes late in his rookie season. Maybe the Jags are such a hot mess that a reset will do Trevor good. We hope so because he looks like a bust with a capital B thus far.
31. Lions 2-13-1 (Drew Rating: -15.85 Projected Record 4-12) LW: 31
Oh Don’t call me Susan Boyle and those frisky Lions pulling a trick onside kick in the third Quarter of what was a 38-15 Seahawks lead. Then to go down and score a touchdown to make the score 38-22 with 22 to minutes to play. Is Tim freaking Boyle was going to pull the biggest regular season comeback in NFL History. Well that story was not meant to be as the Lions defense decided not to make the flight out to Seattle due to that unit only enjoy snowy/icy gloomy winter weather compared to rainy gloomy winter weather. At least the Lions are interesting most of the time and they get Jordan Love in Week 17. Win #3 may still come my Feline friends.
30. Jets 4-12 (Drew Rating: -16.82 Projected Record 3-13) LW: 30
Only the Jets could let Tom Brady throw a 32 yard touchdown with 15 seconds left with no timeouts and single coverage outside to lose a football game. It kind of reminded me when Derek Carr threw a 50 yard touchdown to Henry Ruggs (yes that Henry Ruggs) with 7 seconds left to win a game they were losing by four and needed a desperation touchdown late (this happened just last season in that same venue with a lot less spectators). Well it wasn’t that embarrassing because if you thought Tom Brady (even with his best receiver doing his best Magic Mike impersonation midgame) was going to lose to this Jets team then I want what your drinking sir (or maam).
29. Texans 4-12 (Drew Rating: -14.41 Projected Record 4-12) LW: 29
The Texans again were frisky before running out of gas late in one of the dumbest late large spread covers of the year in a 23-7 loss to the 49ers on Sunday. Davis Mills looked more like early season dink and dunk Davis Mills then late season let her rip Davis Mills. But we are going to discuss the latest of the I’m more conservative that the state Utah David Culley coaching moments. The Texans having a 4th and 8 with 7:36 left in the game down 17-7 (two scores for those keeping score at home with under 8 minutes left in the game and on the Niners side of the field!!!!) decided to punt. My head hurts from the confusion/anger I experienced witnessing this happen live. Let’s just say that decision did not work out very well for team Tejas.
28. Giants 4-12 (Drew Rating: -12.26 Projected Record 5-11) LW: 28
Is there any team that has been more sad to watch over the past month than the New York we don’t know how to play football Giants (alright Jags fan you got me there). Losing by 26 points to a team quarterbacked by Andy Dalton is pretty bad enough right? How about having negative 10 yards passing in that same game? Let me repeat that New York Giants had -.5 yards per play when they went back to pass. The Giants passing attack would have been more productive if Mike Glennon would throw the ball into his own groin 15 times then what was the end of result of his 15 drop backs on Sunday. As White Goodman said finishing Peter LeFleur’s sentence in a bar scene in the soon to be comedy classic Dodgeball, the word that comes to mind for the current state of the Giants play is “pathetic”.
27. Panthers 5-11 (Drew Rating: -8.77 Projected Record 6-10) LW: 26
Hey at least Matt Rhule decided to ditch the Quarterback Russian roulette this week right? The Panthers defense has been fantastic this season. 2nd in yards allowed and yards per play allowed and 10th in 3rd down defense. Yet they are 19th in points allowed overall because their offense is so pathetic that they comprise their defense on a weekly basis. As Rip Torn in Dodgeball would say, “they couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat.” How many top three picks does it take to sabotage a Quarterback room? The answer is two with a sprinkle of XFL legend attached on top, sad times in Charlotte.
26. WFT 6-10 (Drew Rating: -14.31 Projected Record 4-12) LW: 24
Sorry Mr. Heinicke but the jig is up. I think that we can stop making skunky beer from Holland jokes as Sunday will likely be the last time we see Taylor Heinicke as one of the 32 NFL starting Quarterbacks. As I predicted (I didn’t predict anything else correct unfortunately) the Fighting Football team did show some fight albeit in a 20-16 defeat to the Eagles on Sunday. You want to hear some awesome news? As of February 2nd they will have a new team name. So next week I will pour one out as I can no longer call them the fighting footballs (but I am Aries and were stubborn so don’t you doubt my ability to ignore).
25. Bears 6-10 (Drew Rating: -9.13 Projected Record 6-10) LW: 26
Free Matt Nagy, free Matt Nagy, free Matt Nagy… Matt Nagy’s gritty bunch has won two in a row as the team that appeared to quit on him has decided to instead fight and claw like a big angry bear (growl). In a recent example of coaches being fired ending the season on a hot streak Anthony Lynn got canned in San Diego/Carson/Los Angeles (or wherever in the hell my stubborn ass wants to say the Chargers play these days) after winning four in a row to end just last season. This situation is like when a woman is about to dump you. It doesn’t matter what you say or do when her mind is made up it’s made up. Bears ownership and fans made their mind up on Matt Nagy like 8 weeks ago and there was nothing the former Chiefs O.C would say or do that would change their mind. He will have another job in about 2 minutes after he gets canned six days from now so it won’t be all doom and gloom for ol Matty boy.
24. Seahawks 6-10 (Drew Rating: 3.77 Projected Record 9-7) LW: 25
The only team with a better expected record than the Seahawks is the Bills (who is the obvious choice since the Bills are 10-1 in double digit margin games and 0-5 in one score games). The Hawks have had all of their past close game pixie dust backfire on them this season as they are 2-6 in games decided by 9 points or less (look at years past how the Hawks have fared in such games and usually it’s 7-2 or 8-3 annually, also random fact that both wins are over the 49ers). So why the sudden bad luck in close games? My theory is that Russell Wilson changed the juju gods when he pseudo asked to be traded this past offseason. He may get his wish this upcoming offseason as I’ve said for weeks would happen, we shall find out in two months.
23. Falcons 7-9 (Drew Rating: -12.67 Projected Record 5-11) LW: 23
The Birds were frisky for a half in snowy Buffalo as maybe the elements gave Josh Allen amnesia and he thought that he played for Atlanta for a minute. The Bills were able to correct the course in the 2nd half and a super weird Falcons playoff run was finally put to rest. But the Falcons are not done potentially being the Falcons. They get an opportunity to spoil the Saints chances at making the postseason if they can beat the Saints in Megatron’s butthole on Sunday. Any of you NFL fans from the south or watched the phenomenal documentary from Secret Base on the Falcons know that nothing would make a Falcons fan more happy for the next six months (outside of the Super Bowl of course) then knocking the hated Saints out of the postseason.
22. Broncos 7-9 (Drew Rating: -1.79 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 22
The Donkeys have not dropped near the bottom 10 in the Power Rankings all season but a late season plummet officially has the Broncos back where they have been over the past five years (not in a good place mind you). The Drew Lock apologist are saying that he was pretty good on Sunday throwing for 9.8 yards an attempt with no turnovers and a passer rating of 116.3. But when you lose by three touchdowns and have given up and absurd 39.7 yards per kickoff return this season (that is more than ten yards worse than the next closest team) then it’s hard to defend your Quarterback or anyone for that matter. You are better served putting on a horse mask and making donkey sounds in the middle of a busy shopping mall (at least that would be funny). Vic Fangio at about 5:40 MST on Saturday will walk into the tunnel directly to the parking lot and never been seen in Denver again until he’s the team he’s the defensive coordinator for is playing at the Broncos. Changes coming in Coors country.
21. Vikings 7-9 (Drew Rating: -.36 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 18
Do Vikings fans miss Kirk Cousins yet? Nah of course they don’t but we can safely say that Sean Mannion is no Kirk Cousins. Has there been a team that has been more infuriating to watch over recent years than the Minnesota Vikings? They underachieve every year. Always have blue chippers everywhere (Kendricks, Cook, Theilen, Jefferson, Smith can go on and on and that’s just on this team) yet they constantly find ways to be quite average (even if entertaining in their own weird way). The Vikings are the genius that works at the department store stocking shelves overnight. Could do something so much more meaningful but are comfortable just doing what it takes to get by. Mike Zimmer’s ticket unfortunately is about to get punched in six days for this. Rough world out there ladies and gents.
20. Browns 7-9 (Drew Rating: .14 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 19
Sometimes people deserve the pile of crap that is thrown on them and Baker Mayfield has had a rough season but man we need to ease up on him just a bit (as 50 cent so eloquently put not a little just a little bit). He hasn’t been healthy and he’s not good enough to play well while not being healthy and being asked to throw it all over the yard. When you have an awesome offensive line and running backs, why are you throwing the ball 38 times (not even including all the times that T.J Watt put Baker on his butt). Kevin Stafanski may end up being a good head coach. But I think he did his team a disservice with some of his play calling this season. So stop turding up Baker Mayfield’s twitter Browns fans, that’s a dog thing to do (I love Browns jokes it’s too easy).
19. Steelers 8-7-1 (Drew Rating: -6.39 Projected Record 7-9) LW: 22
Kudos to Big Ben in his last home game. It wasn’t Kobe Bryant 60 points, or John Elway leading a 23-0 second half run to win the AFC Championship. It wasn’t even Peyton Manning’s awful Super Bowl 50 performance (albeit in a win!). My good friend Arizona Joe decided to send me a text last night showing the 18 year Vets paltry 2.67 yards per attempt (on 46 attempts mind you not a small sample size) which is nothing short of well, pathetic. But hey the Steelers won the game right. Big Ben got to cry postgame, and the ending was romantic even though he did play like a 39 year old soccer dad with broken knees would play in his final home game. You all know I love romance, I’m a sucker for it in sports and life, if we had more romance in the world I think we would be just fine my friends.
18. Dolphins 8-8 (Drew Rating: -5.83 Projected Record 7-9) LW: 15
Well that was rough. The Dolphins winning streak came to a screeching halt in a 34-3 loss in rainy Nashville that was more of a demolition than even the scoreboard would indicate. Tua’s doubters are getting louder as you give him rain and a deficit and it appears more hopeless than a poodle trying to grab a treat from Shaquille O’neal’s hand. The Dolphins own less tiebreakers than I do with my wife so their playoff hopes are already dashed at this point. Still a great run after a 1-7 start the season.
17. Ravens 8-8 (Drew Rating: -4.21 Projected Record 7-9) LW: 16
Collapse complete, even though the Ravens collapsed down the stretch losing five straight games to be all but eliminated from playoff contention it was the most explainable collapse in NFL History ( injuries to 8 of your nine best players would do that). The Ravens are that member of the family who gets the benefit of the doubt for being a screw up because everybody just loves him so much. “John he can’t get his act together but he just can’t catch a break and we just need to support him through this tough time.” But it’s been five years now, how long does it take for John to get his act together!! The Ravens are the John of the NFL. Everyone has a John in their life. Maybe comment with your story below or give me a shout on twitter about it.
16. Saints 8-8 (Drew Rating: 0 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 21
Let’s give at least an honorable mention to Sean Peyton for coach of the year. Think I’m kidding, the Saints if they beat the Falcons and the 49ers lose to the Rams the Saints will make the playoffs (both very plausible outcomes on Sunday), so what 9-8 and the 7th seed in the NFC does not merit a coach of the year mention. Okay then, here are the circumstances that the Saints have been through just this season. They could not practice or come home for the first month of the season due to a devastating hurricane. They have had multiple games with coaches being out due to COVID (early and late in the season). They have started the following at Quarterback, Jameis Winston, Trevor Siemian, Taysom Hill and Ian Book. I heard GM Mikey Loomis also had Todd Bouman and Billy Joe Hobert on speed dial. It’s a miracle they are at this point and they are one win over the weirdo Falcons combined with Trey Lance getting his second straight start away from making it to the postseason, maybe Sean Peyton’s best job yet, no joke.
15. Raiders 9-7 (Drew Rating: -4.33 Projected Record 7-9) LW: 17
Bill Simmons called the Raiders on his latest podcast the Michael Myers of the NFL. That may have been the most accurate metaphor any sports personality have used for any team this season. The Raiders just won’t die. I’ll try to be all original and call the Raiders the Tony Montana of the NFL. Because they certainly are on some drug induced bender and they keep getting shot either (mostly by their own doing mind you) but they just won’t die. “Say hello to my little friend.” Sorry I went off base for a moment, so is the Chargers that quiet cool assassin in the shades about to put one in the Raiders back Sunday night to officially put their lights out? We shall find out, all I know the party known as the 2021 Season ends here in Vegas, as it should!!!
14. Chargers 9-7 (Drew Rating: 1.82 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 14
All the Chargers had to do was beat the Texans and they wouldn’t have to worry about having to take out the Cuban drug lords (in their house mind you) to make the postseason. Justin Herbert is having arguably the finest season in Chargers history (a franchise that had Dan Fouts and Philip Rivers mind you). But the issue in Bolt land is their defense is not very defensive (well offensive to defenses). They are giving up 49 percent on 3rd down (worst in league) and allowing 136.7 rushing yards per game (30th in the league). There is too much talent on this defense to be that awful. Lose in Vegas and it’s a wasted awesome Justin Herbert season, no pressure or anything Chargers, it’s only football you know.
13. 49ers 9-7 (Drew Rating: 5.77 Projected Record 9-7) LW: 13
Trey Lance had the worst 116 passer rating game in the history of football. He looked very raw and uncomfortable most of the afternoon. Thankfully for the young man from North Dakota the Texans are not very good at football and the 49ers were able to take the lead in the third quarter and not look back. The Niners still need to win at the 12-4 Rams in the finale to make the playoffs (could still back in with a Saints loss). Good news: The 49ers are the Rams daddy (5 head to head wins in a row). Bad News: Trey Lance is not near ready to handle the Rams pass rush. NIners fans will need to hope the most handsome Quarterback in the league thumb is healed and ready. Their playoff hopes depend on it.
12. Eagles 9-7 (Drew Rating: 8.75 Projected Record 10-6) LW: 12
I will gladly eat crow Eagles country. I predicted them to win 2 games and they won 9. I thought Jalen Hurts was not a NFL starter and at very least he’s interesting (if not decent). The Eagles could even be frisky in the playoffs since they can block and have an awesome defensive line of their own. In other words their Quarterback is comfortable and your is uncomfortable. You know what is uncomfortable, wearing jorts (yeah I’m talking smack about you there Gardner Minshew, what you going to do about stache boy?? :-).
11. Colts 9-7 (Drew Rating: 9.38 Projected Record 10-6) LW: 10
Carson Wentz has good stats this season (26 td/5 int/95.8 passer rating) but does anyone trust Wentz in the playoffs? Again the Colts will be going home for the dance if they somehow lose to the Jags on Sunday. Losing to this Jags team would be like losing to the a one armed man at the olympics in the butterfly. Okay, not imaginary enough think of Lebron James playing a drunk me one on one in basketball (Lebron is the Colts and I am the Jags). I know the Bills lost to the Jags but that game was dumb to begin with and this version of the Jags is really really really really bad at football (and far worse than the mid season version of this same team). Colts should win and safely be in the playoff party.
10. Bengals 10-6 (Drew Rating: 6.62 Projected Record 9-7) LW: 11
What a win by the Bengals (especially since they fell down 14-0 early in the game to a Chiefs team that usually buries you when they have the chance to). Ja’Marr Chase is an absolute beast. His dropsies of the pre season are quite the after thought. Really what we should be talking about is the legend of the worst to first (after happening in 15 of 16 season it went on a two year hiatus before the Bengals turned the trick this season). Who is our worst to first next season? I will tell you who it’s not going to be. It won’t be the Lions or Jets, or Giants or any team from New Jersey.
9. Patriots 10-6 (Drew Rating: 16.04 Projected Record 12-4) LW: 9
Well it’s official, if you are a bad team the Patriots are going to destroy you. They are now 7-0 against teams with a losing record and 3-6 against teams without a losing record. Their Drew rating is also skewed because they treat bad teams like I do a box of Cheez-Its. Sunday’s 50-10 demolition of the Jags was the latest of the Pats bullying the teams that are easy to bully. No one likes the Pats anyways so let’s just call it like it is and call them a bunch of bullies. Well next week they will get to play either the Bills or Bengals and will have to pick on someone their own size, take that bully!!
8 Bills 10-6 ( Drew Rating: 20.52 Projected Record 14-2) LW: 8
Josh Allen just threw the ball to the teams with bird on the helmet and it still doesn’t matter. The Falcons were just bad enough that even though Josh Allen had the worst passing game of his career (11-26 for 120 yards and three interceptions in not very good according to my sources) the Bills were still able to pull away for a 29-15 win and their 10th win by double digits this season. Even though the Buffalo helmets ran away with the game they did not cover the 14.5 point spread and ruined my best bets which will in turn will make me have to punish myself on youtube this week. Thanks a lot Josh Allen you didn’t just ruin fantasy championship games!
7. Titans 11-5 (Drew Rating: 3.15 Projected Record 8-8) LW: 7
The Titans who have been very meh metrically and even more so with the eye test all season are likely to be a #1 seed in the AFC. This is where you officially say this season is quite weird. This is a team that is getting outgained by a decent margin in yards per vs yards per play allowed (.2 per yard which is substantial over a 16 game sample size) and have a minus three turnover differential. Derrick Henry has also been out for over two months. Everything I just said is true yet the Titans with a win over the Texans on Sunday are going to be the number one seed in the AFC. I guess we are forced to remember the Titans, well done Mike!
6. Chiefs 11-5 (Drew Rating: 11.72 Projected Record 11-5) LW: 4
Hey Steve Spagnuolo, maybe if you meet the Bengals again the postseason have a safety shift over to Ja’Marr Chase side of the field. Losing the number one is a bad thing for the Chiefs right? Well maybe so but I do think a team that was in cruise control before the season and cruise control going down the stretch needed a kick is the funny and Sunday gave them that and why I still think the Iron Chefs should be the overwhelming favorite in the AFC. Andy Reid is the walrus coo coo ka choo.
5. Cardinals 11-5 (Drew Rating: 12.31 Projected Record 11-5) LW: 6
Huge win for the Redbirds as the reputation of Kliff Kingsbury being a second half has been will be silenced for at least a week. Kyler Murray is quick isn’t he? Kyler Murray is so quick he makes quick people look… not very quick. Kyler Murray is so quick he makes defensive players chasing after him look like they are in quicksand (haha get it!!). The Cards hopefully got themselves comfortable in their Dallas area hotel beds before the Cards are likely to be taking another road trip out to the big D next week. If Redbirds go and win again in Dallas next week we might think they are trying to steal the crown from Chuck Norris as the king of Dallas.
4. Cowboys 11-5 (Drew Rating: 14.42 Projected Record 12-4) LW: 2
Cowboys due to a higher DVOA and Drew Rating will be ranked ahead of the Cards even though they just lost to Arizona. I know I’m analytical in my power rankings but you know what we are in an analytical era. Baseball hitters changed their swing to hit more homeruns but strike out more. 7 footers in basketball are 25 feet away from the basket shooting 3’s instead of protecting and imposing themselves at the rim. Football coaches go for two down nine instead of cutting the game to one score by kicking the extra point. Why do all these things occur when just ten years ago this these practices would have been ridiculous to even ponder? Analytics!! I like to prove that I’m a smarty boy even though the Cowboys likely just clobber bad teams and stink against good ones. I’m moving on before I change my mind.
3. Rams 12-4 (Drew Rating: 10.26 Projected Record 11-5) LW: 5
Matthew Stafford sure does have a lot of things happen doesn’t he? He will throw the ball to the other team (often for the touchdowns the other way), but then he will be awesome in the fourth quarter (8 for 8 with 2 touchdowns against the Ravens on Sunday) to win the game. The Rams are a confounding team. You do not know what you are going to get from drive to drive quarter to quarter. The Rams are the pinata of the NFL. It’s a party inside and when you open them up there is just a whole lot of fun about to come out. They could lose in the first round by 20 or win the Super Bowl and no other team has that kind of ceiling or floor in the playoffs.
2. Bucs 12-4 (Drew Rating: 14.62 Projected Record 12-4) LW: 3
We should have a dance off one evening for pay per view. Deadpool on one side Antonio Brown on the other. Whoever gets the most roses (or dollars?? whatever you would like to toss) thrown at the stage wins. In case you lived under a rock or had your electricity go out and your phone die for the last 48 hours Antonio Brown decided to take his pads and jersey off and do jumping jacks in the end zone in the middle of the Bucs Jets game on Sunday. Maybe it was a rally cry for the Bucs who outscored the Jets 18-0 the rest of the way en route to a 28-24 over the Jets on Sunday. But come on, Tom Brady wasn’t losing to the Jets friends as I mentioned above.
1.Packers 13-3 (Drew Rating: 9.31 Projected Record 10-6) LW: 1
Aaron Rodgers is going to win his second straight MVP. Aaron Rodgers looks like the new base player for the local Grateful Dead cover band. Aaron Rodgers can help you get a great rate on car insurance. Aaron Rodgers host game shows as a hobby. Aaron Rodgers and DeVante Adams has more chemistry than peas and carrots. Aaron Rodgers will not have to leave Northern Wisconsin during the playoffs unless it’s going home to Southern California for the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers is engaged to actress Shailene Woodley. Aaron Rodgers lives a pretty good life I must say.