Hi everyone, I thought I would have some fun with my end of season Power Rankings. I’ll have the list below but with a fun caveat. My Drew Ratings are a metric system I created that measures NFL teams by these important metrics (point differential, third down rate (for and against), yards per play (for and against), turnover differential, and a small fraction of net punt/kickoff/field goal rate). A lot of this is what I call the eye test. Simple to be honest, the teams that have looked better by the eye test than the record would state is the Bills and Seahawks. On the other end the Titans and Packers have over performed and I think everyone would agree in some way or form on both ends (oddly both number one seeds). So Let’s give the rankings away and then give some fake storylines with my fake standings (all based on the Drew rating) for all 32 teams. I can be funny sometimes so I hope you enjoy the commentary.
The Elite 8
1.Bucs , 2. Packers, 3. Cowboys, 4. Chiefs, 5. Rams, 6. Titans, 7. Bills, 8. Cardinals
The Edge of Playoffs and 1st 2 Out
9. Patriots, 10. 49ers, 11. Bengals, 12. Raiders, 13. Steelers, 14. Eagles, 15. Colts, 16. Saints
Outside Looking In
17. Chargers, 18. Dolphins, 19. Vikings, 20. Browns, 21. Ravens, 22. Seahawks, 23. Broncos, 24. WFT
Bottom of the Barrel
25. Falcons, 26. Bears, 27. Panthers, 28. Giants, 29. Lions, 30. Texans, 31. Jets, 32. Jaguars
Drew’s Fake 2021 End of Season Standings With Fake Storylines
AFC EAST
1st-Bills 15-2 (#1 seed in AFC)
Josh Allen and the Bills cruising to the top seed in the AFC. There were some sightings at Bills games this season as the Buffalo helmets would have their best season in team history. There were jumping off the tables as usual but there were absolutely ghastly sightings on gamedays this season. There most ridiculous one was in a 34-10 snow filled win over the Falcons in Week 17 there was a fake priest doing an exorcism on a J.P Losman blow up doll. First off where did anyone in the world find a J.P Losman blow up doll?? I would like to know!! All we know for sure is the Super Bowl goes through Western New York.
2nd-Patriots 13-4 (#5 seed in AFC)
Bill Belichick put a voodoo spell on MVP favorite Josh Allen in a 13-7 win in Week 13 were Mac Jones went 0-1 passing but the Patriots ran the ball for 317 yards and Patriots team leader Devin McCourty jumping on a table to mock the Bills mafia in a postgame speech to the team. Unfortunately the Bills would get their revenge in Week 16 and the Pats would be relegated to a wildcard. Mac Jones has had an amazing rookie season throwing 32 touchdowns as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sales in the greatest Boston Areas has increased over 300 percent in the fall. You can see Mac Jones on Kraft commercials on Nickelodeon.
3rd-Dolphins 7-10
Dolphins head coach Brian Flores resigned after a 23-20 loss to the Patriots on Sunday in a game that Tua Tagovailoa went 22-28 for 103 yards but didn’t throw a single pass past the line of scrimmage. Even though the Dolphins had one of the best defenses in football down the stretch Brian Flores said to a source close to the team that he hated left handed Quarterbacks and would only coach a team who wouldn’t have anyone on his staff or in the front office who writes left handed. Tua left such a bad taste in the former Pats Defensive coordinators mouth that he can’t even be around left handed co-workers right now, ouch!
4th-Jets 3-14
There has been a running joke around the New York/New Jersey corridor about this Jets team being so bad that they could only come up with metaphors to describe their play. They came up a new term for a feat that I didn’t know we kept track of. Four interceptions thrown, 300 yards passing allowed and losing by more than 25 points (the Jets did this four times this season), it’s called a Saleh. We didn’t think it could get any worse than Adam Gase. Maybe we were wrong??
AFC NORTH
1st-Bengals 10-7 (4th Seed in AFC)
Joe Burrow in his second season led the Bengals from Worst to First. The Legend of Joe Burrow began in the Bengals Week 9 win over the Browns in which Joey Tigre threw for 468 yards including a walk off touchdown to Ja’Mar Chase at the horn. The Bengals clinched the division with a 38-27 upset win over the Chiefs in Week 17 in which after the game Joe Burrow was asked if he had ever been called Mr. Home Alone (since he looks like McCauley Culkin). Joe Burrow would respond with I don’t know who that is, kids these days.
2nd-Browns 9-8 (7th Seed in AFC)
Baker Mayfield has officially been removed as the spokesperson for Progressive after he threatened to kick Case Keenum’s dad’s ass after Case’s dad said he’s the better Quarterback. Case Keenum did finish with a 4-2 record down the stretch including a 34-7 victory over the Bengals backups on Sunday to secure the final playoff seed in the AFC. Rumor has it that Baker Mayfield’s shoulder is in good enough shape that he could start next Sunday night in Kansas City. However, coach Kevin Stefanski already said that the case is closed and Case Keenum is his guy for the rest of the season. My what a fall from grace for the former first overall pick from Oklahoma.
3rd-Ravens 7-10
An injury year from hell for the Ravens but at least Lamar Jackson would return for the final game of the season and spoil Ben Roethlisberger’s final game in what ended up being a 24-10 Ravens victory. What doomed the Ravens midseason was John Harbaugh going for it on his own 11 yard line on 4th and 4 in a pivotal Week 12 home loss to the Browns. Harbaugh said after the game the computers told him to do it. I didn’t know that Siri was officially hired to be an NFL assistant.
4th-Steelers 7-10
Ben Roethlisberger’s final home game was a great swan song for the 18 year Vet. Big Ben went 24-46 for 123 yards and a touchdown in a 26-14 win over the Browns in a Monday night snoozer. The stat line was not great for what ended up being a wonderful evening for the legend from the university of Miami (Ohio). But what made the night even more memorable was the prank gift that his teammates got him at the end of the game. A 12 pack of bud light and yoga pants, an ode to Big Ben’s offseason training program, delightful touch I must say!
AFC SOUTH
1st-Colts 11-6 (3rd Seed in AFC)
Carson Wentz missed two games mid-season due to not being vaccinated and having to sit out for ten days. What wasn’t concerning was the former Eagle missing the game. But was Wentz making viral videos from home out of boredom saying that he could put an astronaut helmet on and play through the virus as he was breakdancing was a little much. I think Carson was missing the point here. Jonathan Taylor was the MVP on this Colts team running for 1,942 yards and 20 touchdowns. The puns about the Colts running back bringing some home improvement to Lucas Oil Stadium every week was getting tiresome (even Tim Allen thought it was a little cheesy).
2nd-Titans 9-8 (6th seed in AFC)
The Titans were able to clinch their playoff berth with a 38-35 win over Davis Mills and the Texans in a thriller. Ryan Tannehill had his best game of the season throwing for 387 yards and four touchdowns. The Titans fans were boycotting midseason as the Titans went into a mid-season tailspin after a Derrick Henry foot injury. Mike Vrabel was able to inspire the team to rally down the stretch in the only way he could. By threatening to grow his mustache back if they didn’t start winning games and make the playoffs. It seemed to work didn’t it, don’t anger dad!
3rd-Texans 4-13
The Davis Mills buzz is getting out of control. The Texans only won four games but Davis Mills over the last three games of the season threw 10 touchdowns with no interceptions. Texans fans are so on the Davis Mills bandwagon that they have started a go fund me account to pay for a cereal that three Sugarland Texas residents are trying to patent. The cereal is to be called Mills Pops, with the slogan being once Davis Pops he can’t stop, not too original but I still love it!
4th-Jaguars 3-14
The Urban Meyer body shot scandal brought some early season momentum in Duvall County to a halt. The Jags would lose their final 11 games after this incident happened. Urban Meyer would claim that he was just having some fun with his his oldfriend Larry Eustachy and his wife gave him the green light since it was in a different area code. The issue was it was at the university of Washington the night before a game the Jags had in Seattle. Not a wise move by the now unemployed former Jags head coach.
AFC WEST
1st-Chiefs 12-5 (2nd Seed in the AFC)
Andy Reid threatened to not Barbeque ever again if the Chiefs did not win their 6th consecutive AFC West Title after the Chiefs started 3-4. The former Eagles head coach threats worked as the Jefes would finish 9-1 and are a sexy pick to go into Buffalo and get the Bills payback for a 41-17 loss earlier in the year and get back to their straight Super Bowl. The coolest play of the season was Patrick Mahomes becoming the first Quarterback ever to complete a no look 360 pass. When asked after the game why he did it Mahomes said, because I can. He’s so humble!
2nd-Chargers 9-8
The Bolts said they would start a charity called the Rich Basaccia Pit boss casino fund if the Raiders would kneel down in the final minutes of a 39-36 overtime loss on Sunday that eliminated the Chargers from playoff contention. Unfortunately, Basaccia did not believe the Chargers and he brought out Daniel Carlson to put the dagger in the Bolts hearts. That wasn’t even the saddest story to happen to the Chargers this season. Justin Herbert had his drivers license confiscated by a clerk at a Englewood Liquor store because he was certain it was a fake id, poor Chargers.
3rd-Broncos 8-9
Vic Fangio was fired after a 28-27 loss on Sunday to the Chiefs after Melvin Gordon fumbled the ball while the Broncos were just trying to setup for a game winning Brandon McManus field goal. When Gordon was asked postgame what he thought of the fumble after the game he said that he thought the Broncos were trying to lose. Many local writers in Denver were claiming that the Broncos losing culture has become so intoxicating that they expect to lose games now and are shocked when they win. Sadly this is the reason why the Browns are in the playoffs instead of the Donkeys, sad sad times in Denver.
4th-Raiders 8-9
Huge kudos to the Raiders for beating the Chargers in Week 18 to knock the Bolts out of the postseason. Derek Carr was asked postgame what he thought of knocking the Chargers out of the playoffs he said, if we can’t go they can’t go. He also added that he put a sorcerers curse on them. The funniest moment of the Raiders crazy season had to be the fact that interim coach Rich Bassacia was actually a pit boss at the Golden Gates casino on his days off so he can pay off a gambling debt with the mob, only in Vegas.
NFC EAST
1st-Cowboys 13-4 (2nd seed in NFC)
Jerry Jones after the Cowboys 58-32 Week 17 Win over Garnder Minshew and the Eagles made two guarantees for the playoffs. #1. The Cowboys would win the Super Bowl. #2. He came up with this prophecy when he was in the shower. Dak Prescott had a resurgent year throwing 40 touchdowns and he even did it without throwing a single house party. It could finally be the year the hype is true in the big D, or not we shall find out.
2nd-Eagles 10-7 (7th seed in NFC)
Kudos to the Birds who were the biggest surprise in football this season. They even were able to do it with Jalen Hurts only attempting six passes a game. When new coach Nick Sirianni was asked if they would move away from the wishbone offense playing the Cowboys for a third time in the first round the former Colts offensive coordinator responded with, if we could throw a forward pass we would have tried. I will take that answer as no.
3rd-WFT 5-12
Daniel Snyder came out recently and admitted he put the hit on Jon Gruden by leaking those awful email’s that Jon Gruden have sent over the years that led to him resigning as the head coach of the Raiders. Sources claim that Daniel Snyder leaked the emails to the press because he was afraid of dolls since he was a child and thought that we had to get rid of Chucky. For the on field product just look at the 2 dollar Heineken deals that Football team had in their final two games. Anything to get butts in the seats.
4th-Giants 5-12
The Giants in Week 18 against Washington was trailing 17-12 with 48 seconds left and a 4th and 4 at the Washington 13 yard line Joe Judge called his last timeout and gave third string Quarterback Jake Fromm a smile and nod with no words spoken. Fromm would come out and kneel on the ball to turn it over on downs. GM Dave Gettlemen would proceed to walk out of the press box, down an elevator to his vehicle and drove off without comment. Earlier this morning Gettlemen announced his retirement from the NFL.
NFC NORTH
1st-Packers 11-6 (4th Seed in NFC)
Aaron Rodgers grew out his hair before the season because he wanted to bring more peace and love to the world. The issue was during a midseason 1-4 skid the Packers were having to use Jordan Love as their Quarterback because Aaron Rodgers was leading a protest to Washington about newly discovered immunization treatments for COVID. After Rodgers returned from his sabbatical the Packers finished 5-1 to win their third straight NFC North title.
2nd-Vikings 9-8
Mike Zimmer was fired after the season as the Vikings lost 8 games by a combined 18 points. What was the nail in Zimmer’s coffin was a 27-26 week 16 loss to the Rams in which Quarterback Kirk Cousins scrambled for 15 yards to get to the Rams 26 yard line with under 20 seconds left. With a running clock Kirk Cousins started screaming in Rams Linebacker Von Miller’s face saying, YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT!!!!! Cousins was flagged for taunting and with the ten second run off the clock ran out and the Rams held on.
3rd-Bears 5-12
Matt Nagy was fired after a 38-13 loss to the Vikings on Sunday. The Bears season was a sad one even though the Bears did have some funny moments. The funniest moment was in a win over the Lions on Thanksgiving. Quarterback Andy Dalton started taunting Lions fans at the end of the game. Video has Andy Dalton screaming to the Lions fans that he owned them. A 5-12 team owning a 4-13 team is like a Station wagon owning a Pinto in a street race. Sometimes I guess it’s better to be less sad.
4th-Lions 4-13
The Lions were frisky all season but maybe the funniest moment came in a practice in training camp. The Lions medical staff had to give stitches to the entire Lions offensive line after head coach Dan Campbell literally bit all of the lineman in their ankles. Nobody miss another practice and when rookie left tackle Penei Sewell was asked if any of the lineman decided to also get a tenanus shot, Sewell responded we aren’t babies we are grown men and coach Dirty Dan always uses mouthwash. I love that guy!!
NFC SOUTH
1st-Bucs 13-4 (1st Seed in NFC)
The Bucs 34-32 win over the Cowboys in Week 1 seemed meaningless but ended up not being meaningless at all that was the tiebreaker for Tommy boy and crew to have the ticket to the big game go through Tampa. Nobody is talking about the number one seed in Tampa but Antonio Brown’s antics in Week 18’s win over the Panthers. Bruce Arians asked Brown to go back into the game but Brown instead grabbed an old school boom box and started dancing in the endzone shirtless to Ginuwine’s Pony, he was obviously released after the game.
2nd-Saints 9-8
The Saints were already mathematically eliminated going into their Week 18 matchup with the Falcons. So head coach Sean Payton wanted to do something that has never been done before. He wanted to win a game with four different Quarterbacks in the game. So Taysom Hill played the first half. Trevor Siemian played the third Quarter. Ian Book played most of the fourth. Then with the Saints up 31-21 and just needing kneeldowns to finish off the game, Jameis Winston in crutches limped onto the field for a final kneeldown. Well done there Mr. Payton.
3rd-Panthers 5-12
In a game against the Bucs in Week 16 head coach Matt Rhule brought out a deck of cards and said to his offense. If the cards is a heart Cam Newton gets to take the snap at Quarterback. If it’s a diamond P.J Walker gets to take the snap. If it’s a club Sam Darnold gets to take the snap. If it’s a spade then they will play a game of rock paper scissors to see who gets the snap. The Panthers would set an NFL record with 40 delay of game penalties in this game.
4th-Falcons 5-12
In the most ridiculous Falcons loss of the season the Falcons were tied at 25 with the WFT in a Week 4 matchup. There was a minute left and the Falcons were at the Washington 30 yard line. Matt Ryan would take a sack for a 12 yard loss to take them out of even the automatic Younghoe Koo’s field goal range. On the ensuing punt play punter Cameron Nizalek would fumble the snap and get tackled at the Falcons 40. The Football team would get in field goal range and win, oh Falcons how do you do.
NFC WEST
1st-Cardinals 12-5 (3rd Seed in NFC)
Kliff Kingsbury and the Cardinals made it to the mountain top. They didn’t just win the toughest division in the history of football they did it by beat the Cowboys in Kliff Kingsbury’s homestate of Texas. Now it wasn’t all roses and sunshine for the former Texas Tech head coach. In a Week 15 loss the the Lions Kliff Kingsbury got held up doing a rap battle with Eminem before the game. Kingsbury mixed up his lyrics for the battle with gameplan so he tried to wing it instead. But the 313 play backfired as Kyler Murray threw a pick six on the play.
2nd-Rams 11-6 (5th Seed in NFC)
Sean McVay and the Rams will be heading to Lambeau in the first round for a Week 12 rematch. Sean McVay rolled his ankle jumping on Tyler Higbee after a touchdown in the second Quarter of Sunday’s game against the 49ers. McVay would later admit that he has been taking supplements because he wanted to get in better shape so he can come as a fullback on some short yardage situations. Unfortunately, with McVay rolling his ankle he has officially ruled out of Monday nights game in Green Bay.
3rd-49ers 10-7 (6th Seed in NFC)
Kyle Shanahan proved to have some faith in Jimmy Garoppolo having Jimmy G take in a Quarterback draw on the last play of the game in a 33-30 win over the Seahawks in Week 13. Due to that win and a Week 18 win at the Rams the 49ers got the tiebreaker over the Seahawks and will be in the postseason instead of the blue birds. Nobody cares about that right now we all care about the news about Jimmy Garoppolo dating Kourtney Kardashian. We seen it on meeting with the Kardashian’s. Rumor has it Kim is trying to take Jimmy away from Kourtney, at least that’s what the preview for the next episode teases.
4th-Seahawks 10-7
In the most competitive division in NFL history the 10 win Seahawks are the team going home for the season. Not even that Russell Wilson and company finished in last place even with 10 wins!! Sources say that Russell Wilson has already put his Seattle Condo on the market and is shopping for real estate in Boulder Colorado, Manhattan New York, and Baton Rouge Louisiana. Also in recent news D.K Metcalf is starring in an off-season show on True flat Screen Television called Working out with my Injury Lawyer buddies.