Hi everyone, so I always like to play the fun numbers game. NFL standings is not based on numbers, but if it was I would tell you the Eagles and Browns would be worse and the Chargers and Saints would be better by watching the games you wouldn’t be surprised. Now since we got that out of the way let’s have some fun with my fake comments (yes I’m quoting Donald Trump in 2024 which may be taboo to some)
AFC East
Bills 13-4 (2)
Dolphins 13-4 (5)
Jets 5-12
Patriots 4-13
The Bills win their fourth AFC East title with a roaring finish. The power of a celebrity relationship that nobody talks about, yes Josh Allen is dating a pop star.
The Dolphins had a flashy fun regular season led by Tyreek Hill (who may actually have cheetah blood in him). But lost the division in Week 18 to the Buffaloes.
Aaron Rodgers got hurt in Week 1 yet was the center of media attention all season for a Jets team that was predictably awful in his absence, Aaron go away!!!
Bill Belichick’s potential last season was about as depressing as his ski attire in Week 18. If the stay puft Marshmellow man was wearing blue, it’s Bill Belichick.
AFC North
Ravens 15-2 (1)
Browns 9-8 (6)
Steelers 8-9 (7)
Bengals 8-9
Lamar Jackson proved to the world that he is the most dynamic player in football as the Ravens dominated AFC, he didn’t even need a bathroom break all year.
Joe Flacco leading the Browns to the playoffs was something so epic it cannot be put into words. Deshaun Watson isn’t just a terrible person, but a terrible QB.
Mike Tomlin’s first losing season somehow still ended in the 7th seed in the AFC due to winning like 27 tiebreakers. Even when Omar Epps loses he wins, #luck
Joe Burrow’s injury doomed the cats season overall but Jake Browning showed some promise down the stretch even tried the griddy after a Ja’Marr Chase TD.
AFC South
Texans 11-6 (3)
Colts 8-9
Jaguars 8-9
Titans 6-11
C.J Stroud proved to the world that he is maybe the GOAT rookie QB leading the former rag tag Texan bunch to the top of the AFC South, suck it Deshaun!!!
The Colts overachieved even after Anthony Richardson’s season ending injury. But come on everyone, Uncle Rico is not leading any NFL team to the playoffs.
The Jags get the crown as the most disappointing team of the year. If Trevor Lawrence wants to do a cameo on a new star wars spin off there’s always that!
Mike Vrabel got fired??? What???!!! I’m sure he kicked the Titans ownership ass on the way out the door and screamed “you try to go win with the mayo man!!”
AFC West
Chiefs 10-7 (4)
Raiders 7-10
Broncos 7-10
Chargers 7-10
I think there may be a vaseline pandemic in the city of Fountains as the Chiefs receivers have more slippery fingers than a baby eating peanut butter.
But Chiefs still win the division because the team that finished in second place fired their coach and QB after a bad Week 8 loss. Everybody hates Josh.
Speaking of Josh former employer. They hated Josh, but now everybody hates Russ as maybe the Russ is washed talk is not a thing of past, calm down Sean.
Justin Herbert got hurt, Brandon Staley got fired. The Chargers did a bunch of Charger things and they finished 7-10. Sounds about right to me, correct??
NFC East
Cowboys 14-3 (2)
Eagles 8-9
Giants 5-12
Commanders 3-14
The Cowboys dominated this division all year long. All we got to see all year long is Jerry Jones drinking scotch and giving high fives, yes I know lame.
The Eagles certainly had a super bowl hangover. The defense was bad, Jalen Hurts regressed, Nick Sirianni made speeches that had his players yawning.
The Giants were bad, Daniel Jones was bad, Brian Daboll had his entire staff quit because he was a meany. Tommy Devito had 15 minutes of fame, yay.
The Commanders are on the clock. Caleb, how do you like going to a team that used to be called a racist name and then called the football team?? Comments
NFC North
Lions 11-6 (4)
Packers 10-7 (5)
Bears 8-9
Vikings 7-10
Yes it is true, the Lions won the NFC North. Dan Campbell flexed his biceps to intimidate his opponents, and Jared Goff’s baby hands didn’t fumble games away
Jordan Love is pretty good huh? Let’s just hope he doesn’t become a pervert that steals from poor people or a hippie needy weirdo 14 years from now, okay??
Justin Fields may be safe for another year thanks to the Panthers only having the number 2 pick. But I’d consider Drake Maye, Fields is not that good, #facts.
Kirk Cousins got hurt, Josh Dobbs is really smart, Nick Mullens loves to give gifts to the opponents, Jaren Hall should play in NFL Europe, Justin Jefferson’s good
NFC South
Saints 11-6 (3)
Bucs 9-8 (6)
Falcons 7-10
Panthers 4-13
The New Orleans Saints? Yes they had some dumbfounding losses but Derek Carr had a good first season in the big easy as the Saints win the mid NFC South.
Baker Mayfield>Tom Brady? Hey the Bucs won 9 games with Baker and only 8 with Tom? Baker had comparable stats. Baker loves cheesecake, who doesn’t??
Arthur Smith has a fantastic mustache. But outside of that not much to talk about with Arthur Smith. Outside of he’s an absolute lunatic, that will be missed.
Bryce Young was bad. David Tepper is an impetulant owner who throws cocktails at fans. This team has as much talent at football as I do at handwriting :-).
NFC West
49ers 15-2 (1)
Rams 9-8 (7)
Seahawks 7-10
Cardinals 5-12
The 49ers were really, really, really good in 2024. Brock Purdy I think has trailed like two games in his entire career, oh wait he lost both of those, I’m mean.
Sean McVay can coach ladies and gents. This team is younger than a sorority house (seriously) but they still were able to sneak into the playoffs, great work.
Pete Carroll did a lot of rah rah speeches and gum chewing. But Geno turned into a pumpkin and the Seahawks fell back to the pack in a muddled NFC.
Hey Kyler is back, he’s small but he can ball. But this team is fighting with the Panthers for the least talented roster in football and it showed, but warm feelings.
Wildcard Weekend
Chiefs 26 Dolphins 7 (This just discovered, Dolphins don’t like Ice as they freeze in the K.C Cold, also it was too frozen for K.C wide outs to drop passes)
Texans 20 Browns 12 (Joe Flacco turns into a pumpkin as the Texans defense stifle the Brownies in red zone all day, C.J Stroud throwing dimes everywhere!)
Bills 31 Steelers 17 (Mason Rudolph remembers that Christmas is still in December as Josh Allen and the Bills passing attack pulverize the Watt less Stillers)
Packers 23 Lions 15 (Lions offense goes cold without Sam LaPorta, Lions fans have memories of their last home playoff game, yes Sterling Sharpe is open, ahh)
Saints 31 Bucs 3 (I think Baker Mayfield had too much cheesecake throughout the week. The Saints underrated defense terrorizes him all day in a blowout win)
Cowboys 34 Rams 17 (Welcome back to the playoffs Sean McVay, the Cowboys far superior roster reminds Rams they are not there yet, Jerry is happy, gross!!)
Divisional Round
Chiefs 38 Ravens 35
Patrick Mahomes Vs Lamar Jackson is the matchup we have been waiting for years. Mahomes would show up again and show why K.C Kermit is the best.
Texans 50 Bills 19
In what ends up being the game that gets Sean McDermott fired. A rookie QB comes into cold Buffalo and throws 5 TD, Allen has 5 turnovers, Buf nightmare
49ers 31 Packers 27
Jordan Love proves to the world that he is ready for the big moment. However, Brock Purdy throws a go ahead TD to Deboo Samuel for the win, critics quiet!!
Cowboys 49 Saints 29
I thought this was a scorigami!! (Cowboys Vs Bears last season) Fact is that Dak Prescott is becoming a big time playoff QB, wth!! and Jerry is happy again :-(.
Championship Week
Texans 27 Chiefs 14
Mahomes proved he’s the best in the win over the Ravens. But Kadarius Toney lines up an NFL record 5 times offsides which made Andy Reid so desperate for wide outs he asked mid game for Dwayne Bowe to come out of retirement. Oh yeah, C.J Stroud threw three more touchdowns, he’s pretty good ya know!!
Cowboys 31 49ers 21
Can you believe this. The Cowboys didn’t just make it to the NFC Championship for the first time in 28 years they actually won the damn game as well. The 49ers got pass happy as Kyle Shannahan just can’t help himself in a big game. Always having to throw the damn ball, listen to Richard Sherman run the ball!!!
Super Bowl 58 (IN VEGAS BABY)
Texans 35 Cowboys 30
Why is this game only have Texas teams. Why am I putting big font up to show this is the Super Bowl. Why can’t I truly believe it is not butter. Why do the Cowboys defense decide to not be able to rush the passer in the biggest game of the year? Why does C.J Stroud cement the best rookie season in NFL HIstory? Why is Jerry Jones not happy? Wait I’m happy that Jerry Jones is not happy. His happiness brings irritation and sadness to the world. C.J Stroud by the way throws 15 touchdowns in four playoff games. Which is a record or something and you know who catches two of them tonight? Yes the dude catching touchies from the Cowboys QB Dak Prescott just last year, Dalton Schultz. Not to be confused with Dalton Kincaid, Andy Dalton or Rick Dalton (a little Tartatino humor there). Anyways, this is not real. I’m sure the Browns and Packers extinguish this potential Texas massacre this weekend. But if it happens my nightmare is real!!!!
Thanks for reading everyone, and let’s enjoy the playoffs!!!